


Rude Awakening Ep. 7: Don't Sign Me Up!

by DIsaac (Allstar20032)



Series: Rude Awakening [8]
Category: Daria (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 20:29:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4493607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allstar20032/pseuds/DIsaac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jodie tries to get the crew of WHUB stations to be more involve in the community...... in a good way with some strange results. Also Trent and Jessie comes to town to visit but what is really up with the surprise visit? Could they be the new competition in town?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act 1

**Author's Note:**

> It took four years after posting it over on PPMB to get it here! Let's do this!

**Scene 1 (WHUB Break room, All the staff from All the WHUB stations are there for the meeting. We are joining at the tail end of the meeting)**  
  
JODIE:   
Alright, I have one more thing to cover before we are done. We need to talk about our company’s involvement in the community.   
  
(EVERYBODY groins with disgust at the idea)  
  
JODIE:   
Alright since that's your reaction. Why is it that way?  
  
DARIA:   
You know how I stand on volunteerism.  
  
JODIE:   
I do, but this isn't Lawndale High.  
  
JANE:   
I'm allergic to that word.  
  
SANDI:   
I have some horror stories from college and Channel 5 of some volunteerism gone wrong. I have to agree with Daria and Jane on this. Let this one just lie down and sleep.  
  
STACY:   
Jodie, do you REALLY want me and Dani representing this station to any group?  
  
JODIE:   
OK, Stacy that thought scared me just now.  
  
DANI:   
Exactly why we shouldn't do it.  
  
JODIE:   
Kevin, how do you feel about it?  
  
KEVIN:   
Oh no. I am not being sucked into giving my time. Kevin Thompson is no dummy!  
  
JODIE:  
Really?  
  
KEVIN:   
Yeah!  
  
JODIE:   
What is Volunteering?  
  
KEVIN:   
Me freezing my butt off - ringing a bell for the kettle in downtown Columbus with a 15 below wind chill in my face!  
  
JODIE:   
Mack can you save me?  
  
MACK:   
I don't volunteer.  
  
JODIE:   
Why?  
  
MACK:   
Guess who was with him on that day? Yeah, Volunteering sucks! I may be wrong, but I strongly doubt it!  
  
ALISON:   
I only do it out the goodness of my heart.  
  
JODIE:   
Finally someone who isn't a heartless bastard!  
  
ALISON:   
That is only if I can get my exposure up and be known for it!  
  
JODIE:   
You are all hopeless! Alright, although I hate Angela Li, our former Principal at Laaawwwnndale High– She did do one thing right.  
  
DARIA:   
Jodie, that was the scariest impersonation of Ms. Li I have ever heard. You aren't saying what I think you are about to say, Jodie?  
  
JODIE:   
I am, Daria. I want you all to pick a community project. Jane - that art program at Boston Children's Hospital wants some help. You are the most talented artist I know, so maybe you and Ali could cover that one?  
  
JANE:   
OK, what’s in it for me?  
  
JODIE:   
Some money for you and name recognition and free pub for WHUB 98.5!  
  
JANE:   
At least you are honest about it!  
  
JODIE:   
Against my better judgment, Stacy and Dani I want you in our schools!  
  
KEVIN:   
Isn't there a saying about that, Mack Daddy?  
  
MACK:   
Don't call me that and there is, Kevin. If the Children is are our future, you keep them the hell away from Stacy Rowe and Dani Moreno!  
  
STACY:   
And he's right too!  
  
JODIE:   
To hedge my bet, Sandi you go with them.  
  
SANDI:   
EEP!  
  
JODIE:   
Daria - I have the perfect one for you!  
  
DARIA:   
Oh No. Let's see how I will get it. I'm cheering for the electric chair! Lethal injection is for the wimps. Maybe it might be that firing squad I always wanted!  
  
JODIE:   
I have a board seat with the Boston Public Library with your name on it.  
  
DARIA:   
Ahh it's the chair, warden...........WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY?!?  
  
JODIE:   
I know you are familiar with everybody there and it so happens that they have a chair open and they want you to fill it.   
  
DARIA:   
Alright, I'll take it- but I want cash too!  
  
JODIE:   
Kevin, look up the Jimmy Fund with the Boston Red Sox. You will be working with them!  
  
DARIA:   
I WANT THAT ONE!  
  
JODIE:   
I know - but you can get a little crazy when the Sox are involved.  
  
DARIA:   
No I don't, Jodie.  
  
JANE:   
Amiga, you do!  
  
DARIA:   
I'll tell you everything you need to know about the Jimmy Fund, Kevin.  
  
KEVIN:   
Cool!  
  
JODIE:   
Mack, I need you to make sure they are out there doing their parts.  
  
MACK:   
I will.  
  
JODIE:   
Plus, I need you to do the Community Bulletin Board ads as well.  
  
MACK:   
Crap.  
  
JODIE:   
Finally, me and the producers will do a Day at the food bank.  
  
DIANE:   
We are getting off easy!  
  
BOB:   
That’s ‘cause nobody knows or cares about us!  
  
DIANE:   
Thanks for killing my cheer there.  
  
BOB:   
Bob the Punk, the mighty producer of Rowe and Moreno at your service.  
  
DIANE:   
Got it - but the food bank - that does suck, but at least it isn’t highway trash pick-up. Ever had to try to bag road kill? All I can say is Ewwwwwwwww.  
  
BOB:   
I so wanted to see Stacy and Dani talk to the kids. That will be hell for them, but funny for me.  
  
DIANE:   
Poor Sandi...

  
  
**Scene 2 (Daria's Office)**  
  
DARIA:   
What are you looking at on your phone, Lane?  
  
JANE:   
Trent and Jessie are coming to town.  
  
DARIA:   
I hope someone tells Dani her brother is coming to town.  
  
JANE:   
Yeah, Jessie isn't too good with his cell phone and texting.  
  
DARIA:   
He was always a man of few words.  
  
(DANI comes running in)  
  
DANI:   
My brother is coming to town?  
  
JANE:   
Yep they said they are rolling in tonight.  
  
DANI:   
Where are they going to crash at?  
  
JANE:   
Your house?  
  
DANI:   
That would work if Stacy didn’t want to do my brother.  
  
DARIA:   
Isn't she with Ted?  
  
DANI:   
If she finds out Jessie’s single, Ted will be yesterday's news at the snap of a finger!  
  
DARIA:   
Jane, what about your place?  
  
JANE:   
I don’t have a problem as long as they can stand the noise from me and Mack. They should be cool.  
  
DARIA:   
I smell payback for Mystic Spiral practices.  
  
DANI:   
What happened with them?  
  
JANE:   
After all those years, they amicably split up a couple of years ago. Nick is raising his kid and being awesome dad with a DJ gig in LA. Max.......... I really don't know what happened to Max.  
  
DARIA:   
That’s a question for Jessie and Trent. So You, Stacy, and a roomful of kids?  
  
DANI:   
I don't know what Jodie was thinking, but we will see.  
  
DARIA:   
So what about Stacy's thoughts on this? I remember Stacy can be cool around kids.  
  
DANI:   
Stacy likes to play it by ear. I'm scared by that because you know the schools these day.  
  
JANE:   
So do you think she is a lawsuit waiting to happen?  
  
DANI:   
Yeah, I'm afraid she is.  
  
DARIA:   
What are you going to do?  
  
DANI:  
I‘m gonna have to put Stacy on one helluva short leash.  
  
JANE:  
Don't Stacy like leashes?  
  
(DARIA and DANI give JANE the stink-eye)  
  
JANE:  
What! I was only saying what she said!  
  
DANI:  
I still don't want to know what those two do in the bedroom.

  
  
**Scene 3 (Jodie's Office)**  
  
(Scene open with Jodie on the computer)  
  
JODIE:  
I freaking love these cute pet videos on YouTube. (laughing)  
  
(KEVIN rolls in)  
  
KEVIN:  
Jodie! Can I ask something of you?  
  
JODIE (Thinking):  
OK, time to see if my lessons in saying NO works.  
  
KEVIN:  
Jodie, I would love to have Daria working with me on The Red Sox thing as she will keep me on task and on point.  
  
JODIE:  
Sure I don't see what could be wrong with that.  
  
(Thinking)  
Jodie Abigail Landon! What the hell are you thinking! There is a lot that could wrong with that! One, you put Kevin on the project! Kevin can't remember crap! I don't even think he even knows how to crap properly! Two, Daria will just do a repeat of the Justin Timberlake Incident. Oh god, SAY SOMETHING!  
  
(speaking)  
You and Daria would make a great team!  
  
(Thinking)  
You Mother....  
  
KEVIN:  
All Right! But, what about the library folks?  
  
JODIE:  
I'll send Mack there.  
  
KEVIN:  
Cool! Thanks Jo!  
  
(JODIE picks up the phone and dials MACK)  
  
JODIE:  
Mack, I’m going to need you to do the library meeting.  
  
What do you mean you’re busy?  
  
Wait - you're actually writing the promos.  
  
OK. Thanks, Mack!  
  
Damn, Me and my big mouth strikes! Ok, I can do this. I'm Jodie Landon, The president of the WHUB stations, The over achiever in High school.........I got this..........I don't got this! Crap

**Scene 4 (Stacy's Office)**  
  
(STACY is working on her speech to the kids when TED and UPCHUCK comes in.)  
  
STACY:  
Teddy and Chuck, where were you for the meeting?  
  
TED:  
A meeting?  
  
STACY:  
The big meeting this morning, DeWitt-Clinton!  
  
UPCHUCK:  
We were at a sales meeting for the station. You can't have a station without money, Stacy.  
  
TED:  
Stacy, why are you so uptight?  
  
STACY:  
I'm not being uptight. it's just Jodie wants us to get more involved in the community.  
  
UPCHUCK:  
That doesn't sound so bad.   
  
STACY:  
Until you hear what we are doing. Dani, Sandi and I are going into schools to talk with kids.  
  
UPCHUCK:  
Again, not bad.  
  
TED:  
Chuck, she hates kids.  
  
UPCHUCK:  
More than Daria hates kids?  
  
STACY:  
My nicknames for kids is “Satan's little spawns!” I really don't want to do this - but I’ll play the good soldier once again because that’s what I do. So how do you two feel about volunteering?  
  
UPCHUCK:   
I have volunteered with the Women Shelter for years.  
  
TED:  
Ahh, where he can pick up women without being judged.  
  
STACY:  
But they aren't that desperate, Charles!  
  
UPCHUCK:  
You Two, that is sick on so many levels. I’m just offended at both of you.  
  
TED:  
OK, but what is the real reason you do it?  
  
UPCHUCK:  
Don't laugh but I have been volunteering with Women's Shelters for years since middle school. It feels good helping someone out when they need it most. What tears me up the most is the kids in the middle of these situations. They are stuck in this situation but they just make do with what they got. They are my heroes for doing that.  
  
TED:   
But you haven't, not even once, tried to hit on one of them?  
  
UPCHUCK:  
No, I have not!..................OK, maybe this one hot mom BUT SHE CAME ON TO ME AND SHE WAS ON THE STAFF!  
  
STACY:  
There's the sleaze we know and love! OK, Hippie boy! What do you do to help the community?  
  
TED:  
I resent that nickname, Stacy!  
  
STACY:  
Which is why I love saying it.  
  
TED:  
I help with recycling and green initiatives.  
  
STACY:  
Not too far from the hippie tree I see.   
  
TED:  
Why do you hold that over my head?  
  
STACY:  
The Rowes have never been too hippie friendly.  
  
TED:  
You are sure the major asshole when stressed!  
  
STACY: (gives a salute)   
And proud of it. I just embrace it and love it after being a people pleaser for years.  
I got to put that in my speech to the kids!  
  
(JODIE Runs in)  
  
JODIE: (Extremely fast)  
Ted, Chuck glad to see you! Ted, Library board seat! Chuck, Food Bank! Details later! E-Mail! Bye!  
  
TED:  
Did we just get a drive-by into a project?  
  
CHUCK:  
I think so!  
  
TED:  
Jodie is getting too good at that.  
  
CHUCK:  
She's like a boss with it.

  
  
  
**Scene 5 (WHUB recording booth)**  
  
(Mack is editing the PSA's when Daria comes in)  
  
DARIA:   
Why did I get stuck with the brains?  
  
MACK:   
Because you rejected beauty and the stupidity that goes with it?  
  
DARIA:   
Good one, Mack!  
  
MACK:   
I work with the best. Jodie called me about the library seat.  
  
DARIA:   
So Jodie took me off of it?  
  
MACK:   
Yep. My plan is working!  
  
DARIA:   
Wait? WHAT!  
  
MACK:   
My plan. You are now with Kevin on the Red Sox project.  
  
DARIA:  
Score! But what is your plan?  
  
MACK:  
Using Jodie's problem with the word “NO” I'm using it to my advantage!  
  
DARIA:  
After all these years, she still has that problem?  
  
MACK:  
She actually is doing a program to deal with it.........It's not totally working.  
  
DARIA:  
Mack finally uses Jodie's anti-NO stance to his gain.  
  
MACK:  
No. I did it before. How did you think Jodie actually found time for a first time with me? Answer is she didn't - I did.  
  
DARIA:  
Me and the Red Sox. Greatest. Day. Ever.  
  
MACK:  
Didn't you work with Kevin before and you wanted him away from the project?  
  
DARIA:  
If you are talking about the maze, then yes. It was also botched by a crazy now Ex-girlfriend and her psycho brother who is now coming up with new way to torture terrorists for the CIA.  
  
MACK:  
So do you think it will go smoothly this time?  
  
DARIA:  
I sorta have some hope for him. Without Brittany, he has a shot and because it deals with sports, he's going to be interested in it. I’m thinking something good is going to happen with this.  
  
MACK:  
Good. Now I'm now hoping that Jodie don't find out what I’m doing.  
  
DARIA:  
Good luck with that idea.  
  
MACK:  
Now I got to get back to the fish fry report. See you later.  
  
DARIA:  
Later

  
  
**Scene 6 (Alison's Gallery)**  
  
(ALISON is working on her latest piece when JANE comes in)  
  
(Jane looks at the piece for a second before talking to ALISON)  
  
JANE:  
And that is supposed to be?  
  
ALISON:  
I don't know yet? I'll know later. Hey, Lane.  
  
JANE:  
Yo.   
  
ALISON:  
What ideas do you got?  
  
JANE:  
I've got an artist's block the size of Texas right now  
  
ALISON:  
Ideas not flowing.  
  
JANE:  
This well has dried up and is currently requesting Draught Relief. If I am lucky, I might get a response before I hit retirement age.  
  
ALISON:  
I did some work before you came and talked with the Hospital.  
  
JANE:  
I knew you were good for something!  
  
ALISON:   
They would like us to do a mural with the kids.   
  
JANE:  
Something’s percolating in my mind.  
  
ALISON:  
Ideas I hope.  
  
JANE:  
Yep and some good ones too. I hope to see if the kids would let us do them.  
  
ALISON:  
Only way to find out is to go to the kids and get their input on it.

  


**Scene 7 (Daria's Apartment)**  
  
KEVIN:  
Daria!  
  
DARIA:  
Yea, Kevin?  
  
KEVIN:  
Where are the Cheesy Crunchies at? I love those thing.  
  
DARIA:  
They are in the pantry. Kevin, is it true that I'm working with you on the Red Sox thing?  
  
KEVIN:  
Uhhh, Yeah. You are working with me.  
  
DARIA:  
This will be the first time I worked with you since high school and the first time ever doing it willingly.  
  
KEVIN (Deadpans) :  
Aw right.  
  
DARIA:  
Hey - What was up with that one?  
  
KEVIN:  
Daria, I remember that maze project too. You had me stay out of your way by setting me up with the Pigskin Channel.  
  
DARIA:  
Plus your Ex stole our rat when she thought we were seducing you.  
  
KEVIN:  
Yeah, she didn't know the meaning of that word until college. I didn't know it ’til summer school so we were even on that one.  
  
DARIA:  
Interesting but not all that surprising. So, exactly why are so nervous about me working with you on this?  
  
KEVIN:  
Daria, you are the smartest person I know but with me and my LONG history of stupidity - If I have a good idea it's usually looked over and tossed aside. Daria, I want an active part of this thing and I don't want you to totally take it over.  
  
DARIA:  
So you want me NOT to work with you?  
  
KEVIN:  
No, I might be the QB but a QB is only as good as his wide receiver. Daria you are MY wide receiver on this. Daria, Can you help make this catch into the end zone?  
  
DARIA:  
Kevin?  
  
KEVIN:  
Yea, Daria.  
  
DARIA:  
I can't believe you actually used a football analogy and that I totally got it.   
  
KEVIN:  
That just means you have been around me too long.  
  
DARIA:  
Kevin, I did all those things then because I judged you as complete moron, but you are far from it. Even though you joke that you aren't the smartest guy in the room but you have proven since I met you that is not the case at all. Hell - you have put a smile on this cynic face so many time when it was impossible. So Kevin, this is a team effort and I will respect your ideas but if I hear a dumb one it will be put down, Got it.  
  
KEVIN:   
That’s why you are here.  
  
(KEVIN kisses DARIA)  
  
DARIA:  
That I can get used to.  
  
KEVIN:  
Daria, Upchuck told me about a “Justin Timberlake incident”? What is he talking about?  
  
(DARIA Blushes)

  
  
**Scene 8 (Alison's Car)**  
  
JANE:  
Alison, question.  
  
ALISON:  
Fire away, Jane.  
  
JANE:  
Why are we not driving my car? It's a fine vehicle!  
  
ALISON:  
On what planet?  
  
JANE:  
What are you saying about my Little Tank, Alison?  
  
ALISON:  
What I’m saying is your “Little Tank” is a deathtrap on wheels.  
  
JANE:  
Alison, The Lil' Tank is a tough piece of automotive machinery. It can take a beating and keeps on ticking.  
  
ALISON:  
Yeah, it looks like it has taken several beatings over the years.   
  
JANE:  
It gets good gas mileage!  
  
ALISON:  
The freaking gas gauge don't work on it! You have to take a gallon of Gas, antifreeze and water because you will use one of them and if we are lucky all three of them.  
  
JANE:  
My car is not a clunker.  
  
ALISON:  
That was because when you tried to turn it in for that cash for clunkers program they said that your car was too much of an environmental hazard to take in.  
  
JANE:  
Well it's still rolling.  
  
ALISON:  
Only because the brakes don't work.  
  
JANE:  
Don't make bring out the jokes about you and Michael Jackson. Are you sure MJ wasn't looking in your playbook?  
  
ALISON:  
You won't let that die. So my "gaydar" missed on you completely and I gave you wine.  
  
JANE:  
Michael was saying the same thing too except it was Jesus Juice.  
  
ALISON:  
Jane, he's dead let him rest in peace.  
  
JANE:  
But Alison Brooks is still alive!  
  
ALISON:  
True but I wished the jokes weren't. I was so stupid when I was younger.  
  
JANE:  
We were all stupid when were younger - In Me and Daria's case that included a Girls Gone Wild appearance.  
  
ALISON:  
What!  
  
JANE:  
Nothing.  
  
ALISON:  
I totally heard that! I can't wrapped my head around that.  
  
JANE:  
We were young, dumb college students and they paid some good money too! So what about Jodie?  
  
ALISON:  
What about Jodie?  
  
JANE:  
You went home with here........so what really happen?  
  
ALISON:  
Nothing really happen.  
  
JANE:  
Alison, What REALLY happened?  
  
ALISON:  
Jane, NOTHING happened! She took me home and dropped me off. Nothing happened.  
  
JANE:  
OK, I get the point but I still think something else happened that you aren't saying.  
  
ALISON:  
And look at that - we're here at the hospital. Jane, Nothing else happened. Trust me on that!  
  
JANE:  
OK, but I hold my right to query and to be nosy.  
  
ALISON:  
Like I expect anything different from you. 

  
  
**Scene 9 (Stacy's Office)**  
  
(STACY is still working on her speech and have her first draft ready when SANDI comes in)  
  
STACY:  
Sandi, Good to see you. Can I run something by you?   
  
SANDI:  
Sure I don't see no harm in it.  
  
STACY:  
Great. I have my speech to the kids all ready to go.  
  
SANDI:   
Now Stacy - You do know your audience, right?  
  
STACY:  
I have been thinking about my audience throughout the writing of this.   
  
SANDI:  
Alright. Stacy give me your speech to the youth of New England.  
  
STACY:  
OK!  
  
(Clears throats)  
  
Hi, kids! I'm Stacy Rowe of WHUB 98.5 The Hub. I have a message that can change your life. Do drugs. Lots of drugs. Preferable, weed! Lots and lots of WEED!  
  
SANDI (jumps back in horror):  
What the hell was that!?!  
  
STACY:  
Hey, I might as well concede the fact that some of you will do drugs in your life. Hell! Burnout, Tiffany, and myself were smoking spiffy in the back of Lawndale High.  
  
SANDI:  
STACY! It's a bad lead off-line don't say that or we will get sued epically.  
  
STACY:  
OK. Can I continue this?  
  
SANDI:  
Sure, Stacy.  
  
STACY:  
Good because the youth of New England need to hear this.  
  
SANDI:  
I think if you continue on - You will scare the youth of New England.  
  
STACY:  
It will be good that I scare them before life does.  
  
SANDI:  
Oh God!  
  
STACY:  
Kids, I am about to describe high school for you.  
  
SANDI:  
This sound hopeful.  
  
STACY:  
You will enter through those hallowed halls of learning after that you'll get typecast in to your roles. Some are bad, some are good and other ugly.  
  
SANDI:  
Where's the hope?  
  
STACY:  
You realize there is no hope in high school.  
  
SANDI:  
Sometime you’ve got to lie to them on that. You will be talking to Elementary school kids.  
  
STACY:  
Wait, little kids not high school kids?  
  
SANDI:  
Yes Stacy! Really young kids.  
  
STACY:  
I'm going need to rewrite this completely. The second half of this it gives that other book I have “Go the F to sleep” a run for its money.  
  
SANDI:  
Why would you put cuss words in your speech?  
  
STACY:  
I though the crowd would be older.  
  
SANDI:  
Stacy, I'm glad you ran it by someone before you said it.  
  
STACY:  
Thanks, Sandi.  
  
SANDI:  
Now I’ve got to deal with these idiots in the newsroom. Good luck on the speech, Stacy.  
  
STACY:  
Thanks, Sandi.   
  
(SANDI leaves the room and her earshot)  
  
STACY:  
Now I can work on the real speech. Sometimes, my history of crazy crap that I did around here DOES payoff!

  
  
  
---


	2. Act 2

**Scene 10 (Hospital Main offices)**  
  
(JANE and ALISON are in the lobby waiting for the head of the Hospital)  
  
JANE:  
This feels like waiting to go into the principal’s office.  
  
ALISON:  
I've been there many of times before. This is ….....just like it.  
  
JANE:  
Tic-Tac-Toe?  
  
ALISON:  
I hope we are not here that long.  
  
JANE:  
I knew we should have driven my car to the meeting.  
  
ALISON:  
Jane, we wouldn't be here right now if we took your car.  
  
JANE:  
Just imagine the story you could tell your kids.  
  
ALISON:  
You are assuming we would have lived?  
  
JANE:  
My car is not that bad!  
  
ALISON:  
Denial, it’s not just a river in Egypt anymore.  
  
DESK CLERK:  
The CEO is ready to see you now.  
  
JANE:  
Look alive, Ali.  
  
ALISON:  
That's easy. We didn't drive your car to the meeting!  
  
(JANE gives ALISON a dirty look as they walk into the office of Patrick Hackney, the VII The head of Boston's Children Hospital. Pat speaks with slight British accent)  
  
PAT:  
I am so delighted to see you today. You must be Jane Lane.  
  
JANE:  
The One and Only Artist Extraordinaire, Jane Lane, at your service.  
  
PAT:  
Yes, I love listening to your show going into work, Ms. Lane.  
  
JANE:  
Thank you.  
  
PAT:  
And you must be Alison Brooks.  
  
ALISON:  
I am and it is an honor to work with this hospital on this project.  
  
PAT:  
The honor is mine as we have two great artists in our city working with us on this great project of ours.  
  
JANE (whispering):  
I thought they all left when we threw all their tea into the Charles River?  
  
ALISON: (whispering)  
Me too but we were wrong on that.  
  
PAT:  
On the project, we would like to paint a mural in patients’ playroom, but we have a problem.  
  
JANE:  
Which is?  
  
PAT:  
We don't know what we want.  
  
ALISON:  
Ah the classic problem. Let put our collective brains to this.  
  
JANE:  
We do have some ideas for this.  
  
PAT:  
Excellent, Lets hear them!  
  
ALISON:  
What about Teddy bears and rainbows?  
  
PAT:  
What you think we're replacing? The kids hate it!  
  
JANE:  
They sound like they are some smart ones.  
  
PAT:  
We are running a hospital not trying to kill their dignity! That's the job of the schools.  
  
ALISON:  
I KNEW IT! Total conspiracy! Jane calls Sick Sad World.  
  
JANE:  
Which school did you go to?  
  
PAT:  
Fielding, I'm a proud member of the class of 2000.  
  
ALISON:  
She has a record with guys that went to Fielding.  
  
PAT:  
What is this guy's name? Maybe I might know him.  
  
JANE:  
Tom Sloane.  
  
PAT:  
That frigging cheap bastard!  
  
ALISON:  
Hey, It's an agreement!  
  
JANE:  
Too bad that’s not on a mural.  
  
PAT:  
Listen, maybe the kids have a better idea then us three in this room. I'll set up a time tomorrow for you to meet them.  
  
ALISON:  
That sounds excellent.  
  
JANE:  
And we'll drive in my car tomorrow.  
  
ALISON:  
Jane, it will be a cold day in hell before I get into that car.  
  
JANE:  
It's a lean, mean driving machine.  
  
ALISON:  
No, it isn't Jane. It was then - but not now - Definitely not now!  
  
JANE:  
You can doubt it but it's tough!

  
  
**Scene 11 (Dani's House)**  
  
(STACY is STILL working on her actual speech to the kids while she is over at DANI‘S)  
  
DANI:  
God, Stacy, you have been working on that speech for 3 days now. What is up with that?  
  
STACY:  
It's not hitting the right chord with me. It sounds too well......BORING! I want to talk about how getting a good education can help you, but it just reads all boring and stuff. No kids would listen to this.  
  
DANI:  
Sounds like you did completely rewrite.  
  
STACY:  
Oh, the one I told to Sandi. That's the fake one I wrote that to get a rise out of Sandi to keep her head on a swivel. I would NEVER say that one in public - but after few shots of Jose Cuervo, maybe that speech would have its day.  
  
DANI:  
Why do you love messing with Sandi?  
  
STACY:  
Because, Sandi is so naïve - She used that saying against me for years, but the truth she was the naïve one.  
  
DANI:  
I’ve got an idea Stacy -  
  
STACY:  
Does it involve six pounds of Italian sausage, a canvas, and a steamroller?  
  
DANI:  
No, and how do you get those ideas?  
  
STACY:  
College left a mark on me, OK.  
  
DANI:  
Here’s my idea to make your speech not suck. What would you tell your younger self? Let's say at the beginning of school what would should she do?  
  
STACY:  
Damn.  
  
DANI:  
What is up with that reaction?  
  
STACY:  
If I went that route the kids would be there all day.  
  
DANI:  
Yeah, you have a lot of issues to deal with there.  
  
STACY:  
No, but thanks for the vote of confidence you asshole. There is total trove of advice I could give on my life. Rule number one, don’t join the fashion club!  
  
DANI:  
Was it that bad?  
  
STACY:  
It was.  
  
(Doorbell rings)  
  
STACY:  
Ooh, guests.  
  
DANI:  
I wonder if that’s who I think that is.  
  
(DANI runs to open the door. Standing at the door is TRENT and Her Brother JESSIE)  
  
DANI:  
BRO!!!  
  
JESSIE:  
Hey.  
  
STACY:  
The Moreno kids are back together. Hey Trent! Have you stopped by Jane's yet?  
  
TRENT:  
Hmmm....We do need to do that. So how you been?  
  
STACY:  
Things have been good at WHUB. Dani is a pain as usual.  
  
DANI:  
You are saying it like it’s a new thing with me, Stacy.  
  
JESSIE:  
It isn’t.  
  
DANI:  
So guys make your selves at home.  
  
JESSIE:  
Cool, because The Tank was giving us issues on the way here.  
  
STACY:  
Is it anything like Jane’s Lil’ Tank?  
  
JESSIE:  
Jane got a tank? The army won’t let you near them.  
  
TRENT:  
Hmm, Jessie? I think they mean Janey’s car.  
  
JESSIE:  
That makes more sense because a tank is really big.  
  
DANI:  
Trent you can try all you want - it won’t click.  
  
TRENT:  
It’s always worth the effort.  
  
STACY:  
So where are you going to be staying at?  
  
TRENT:  
We were going to stay with Janey.  
  
DANI:  
Why don't you stay here?  
  
TRENT:  
Well since I'm here and the couch isn't as lumpy as Janey's …...We'll stay.

  
  
**Scene 12 (Daria's Apartment)**  
  
(Kevin is recovering from taking Daria to a Red Sox game to get a feel of Daria's Red Sox issue. Daria the super fan came out in full force and now Kevin is wondering if having her help him on this project was one of his “bad moves”)  
  
DARIA:  
That was awesome and with a great Red Sox comeback too!  
  
KEVIN:  
Daria?  
  
DARIA:  
What's up with you, QB.  
  
KEVIN:  
Listen I knew you was a Red Sox fan..... But Daria?  
  
DARIA:  
Yes, Kevin?  
  
KEVIN:  
YOU'RE A PSYCHO!  
  
DARIA:  
What?  
  
KEVIN:  
YOU'RE A PSYCHO! Oh, You play calm, cool, and collective with that voice, but put you in the stands at Fenway and you change! It was scary.  
  
DARIA:  
Just because you’ve never seen me express my emotions on my sleeves, doesn’t mean they aren’t there.  
  
KEVIN:  
It wasn't that. You are passionate when it matters and by the way – thanks.  
  
DARIA:  
You're welcome.  
  
KEVIN:  
I was alarmed when you told Travis Hafner to do something to a goat that I don't think is legal in any state!  
  
DARIA:  
It's legal in Ohio.  
  
KEVIN:  
That's not the point! Now I'm afraid you may embarrass the station in a big way.  
  
DARIA:  
Kevin, those fear are completely unfounded.  
  
KEVIN:  
Alright, remember Saturday?  
  
DARIA:  
Why are you pointing out Saturday?  
  
KEVIN:  
I told you Jeter hit his 3,000th hit. What was your reaction and I quote Ms Morgendorffer - F him. F his mama. F his father. F his whole damn family and F the Yankees! You were dealing out the F's quicker then Barch on every male at Lawndale High.  
  
DARIA:  
I was that bad on that. I totally forgot his wife and baby mammas in that. I’ve got to do better next time around.  
  
KEVIN:  
Daria! You can't do that in the meeting. You let your fandom show, but in a respectful way. Anyways aren't Boston fans supposed to have more class then everyone else?  
  
DARIA:  
Good QB, You’ve got the point a point on that and you are right. I do need to have ice water in my veins at this meeting.  
  
KEVIN:  
Good. Now I gotta clean off the nachos that I gave you before the home run. I think some of it dripped under my shirt. Don't you get no ideas. I got my head on a swivel.  
  
DARIA:  
You mean not on a bobble as it is usually?  
  
KEVIN:  
Oh, You're back to normal now. Calling off that Red Alert now.  
  
DARIA:  
I think you have hung around me too long.

**Scene 13 (WHUB Studio, Joined During Rude Awakening )**

  
  
DARIA:  
Jodie Landon's volunteer idea is about to wreck my love life!  
  
JANE:  
Wait, you have a love life?  
  
MACK:  
Well I'll be shocked.  
  
DARIA:  
Enough from you two. Do want to hear what happened or continue your snark on me?  
  
MACK:  
Story - but we will be dealing out the snark.  
  
DARIA:  
I'll just ask you where the nearest fish fry in town is.  
  
MACK:  
OK, I'll let you tell your story.  
  
DARIA:  
Good. Here’s the story. Kevin took me to a Red Sox game.  
  
JANE:  
STOP!  
  
MACK:  
You can guess what happened next?  
  
JANE:  
Ms. Morgendorffer showed her behind in front of Kevin at the game last night and Kevin was shocked to see it.  
  
DARIA:  
In short, Yes. Now Kevin is scared to take me to the meeting at Fenway.  
  
JANE:  
He's afraid that you are going do your best imitation of “Space!” from Portal 2!  
  
DARIA:  
I got that game from Upchuck but I haven't played it yet.  
  
MACK:  
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I want Kevin Thompson to be speaking for WHUB.  
  
DARIA:  
But I'm known for getting my point across.  
  
MACK:  
That is true 99.9999% of the time, but this is the rare .0001% where this is not true. Kevin can take control of this situation, hunker down and focus on this. You on the other hand, I have a feeling would be kicked out of the building for telling off management for letting the Johnny Damon trade happen.  
  
DARIA:  
Still I think was a dumb move to this day. You never trade much less talk to the Yankees as the Red Sox.  
  
MACK:  
How in the hell did you start giving a damn about sports?  
  
JANE:  
I'm still figuring that one out myself.  
  
MACK:  
Oh no. Don't you dare act all innocent Ms. Lane! I remember you and the Bruins.  
  
JANE:  
I like hockey.  
  
MACK:  
No, you obsess about hockey. You are the only person I know that watches EVERY round of the NHL Draft.  
  
JANE:  
Oh, so we are playing that game. What about you and Football?  
  
MACK:  
Hello - former football player! It’s only American to obsess about the NFL. There on 21 Sundays in a season.  
  
JANE:  
What about the Pro Bowl?  
  
MACK:  
Nobody watches the Pro Bowl!  
  
DARIA:  
You do.  
  
MACK (thinks for a moment):  
Damn I got it bad for football.  
  
DARIA:  
OK, so we have established that we are “crazy” sports fans. Any advice on what should I do?  
  
JANE:  
Go to your unhappy place.  
  
MACK:  
Meaning, think of home and Lawndale,MD.  
  
(DARIA shivers)  
  
DARIA:  
I thought I would never hear that town's name ever again!  
  
MACK:  
You never thought you would never see us again as well.  
  
DARIA:  
True, I mean that was one of my goals after high school, right?  
  
JANE:  
Is that the same promise as not ending up as wacky morning DJ?  
  
DARIA:  
No. On that one, I told you to put a bullet in my head before that happened.  
  
MACK:  
Anyways, we're snarky morning DJ. Big difference there.  
  
DARIA:  
That just means we haven't had our brains taken out yet - by the way, remind me to do that on Friday afternoon.  
  
JANE:  
So the listeners should expect you to sound like your sister and talk about fashion?  
  
MACK:  
And our new listeners just went “Huh?”  
  
DARIA:  
The perks of being a long time listener of the train wreck called “Rude Awakening”.  
  
JANE:  
This is WHUB 98.5 The Hub.

  
  
**Scene 14 (Stacy's Office)**

  
DANI:  
Good God, Stacy Rowe are you still working on that?  
  
STACY:  
I am, but I'm putting the final touches on it. Your idea helped.  
  
DANI:  
Thanks. What about Ted's thing?  
  
STACY:  
He is now at war with the Boston Library.  
  
DANI:  
Excuse me?  
  
STACY:  
He is at war with The Boston Library. He hates them all. Called them all brain-dead idiots said he will never step foot in there again.  
  
DANI:  
Has Jodie heard about this yet?  
  
STACY:  
3......2......1....  
  
JODIE (runs in):  
Stacy Rowe, what the hell did you do?!?  
  
STACY:  
Jodie, I did nothing as I have been working on this speech to the kids. You need to talk to Ted on this one.  
  
JODIE:  
How are you staying cool with all this craziness?  
  
STACY:  
Two reasons. One, I did all my freaking out during high school. So that road been well-traveled.  
  
Two and most importantly, I had nothing to do with this idea! As a matter of fact I remember the WHOLE staff saying how bad of an idea it was to do this is. But Jodie, ‘Ms. Gotta Be Busy Around Boston’ went and released the crazies out into the world.  
  
Everyone thinks I'll be the one to give trouble, but I’ll be the one to save your tail and wow them because that’s what I do. I mean, why do that when you have Jane and Alison painting, Daria and Kevin over at Fenway, Ted with the library... I mean was with the library and lastly and not least Upchuck at the food bank. Oh, on Upchuck - he won't be no problem because Chipmunk is with him on that. What I'm saying is we hate volunteering for a reason.  
  
Oh you thought you were going to get THIS whole speech from Daria. Well She'll be too busy derpy derping over the Red Sox to tell you the following so just sit back, grab a helmet because this ride will be crazy!  
  
JODIE:  
Did I just get owned by Stacy Rowe?  
  
DANI:  
You did.  
  
JODIE:  
Dammit. This is going to be ugly.  
  
STACY:  
If Kevin can save the day, then it won't suck as bad. I got some hope for him. On the painting, get Judith on speed dial now!  
  
JODIE:  
It's not going to be that bad. I mean they are with kids at the hospital, it can't end bad. Right?  
  
STACY:  
Just in case it's speed dial #1 on your phone.  
  
JODIE:  
How do you know?  
  
STACY:  
I seen you use it in my aftermath many times before.  
  
JODIE:  
Oh! Well, I got to got take care of some other things. Please, for the love of god - don't embarrass the brand!  
  
STACY;  
I won't Jodie - I got this.  
  
JODIE:  
Dani, make sure she doesn't.  
  
DANI:  
I will.  
  
(JODIE leaves)  
  
DANI:  
You forgot one major factor.  
  
STACY:  
Which is?  
  
DANI:  
YOU HATE KIDS!  
  
STACY:  
I can fake it. I'm really good at faking it.  
  
(DANI thinks of what she just heard)  
  
STACY:  
Don't you dare make it sound dirty, Dani.  
  
DANI:  
You already did that for me.

**Scene 15 (WHUB Studio)**  
  
JODIE:  
TED!  
  
(This startles TED causing him to fall out of his chair)  
  
TED:  
Oh Hi, Ms. Landon!  
  
JODIE:  
What happened at the Boston Library Last night?  
  
TED:  
Oh that. I'm banned from there!  
  
JODIE:  
I'm afraid to ask this. How did you, Ted DeWitt-Clinton get banned from the library?  
  
TED:  
Oh that's easy. Ted DeWitt-Clinton don't take no crap from the man.  
  
JODIE (Wondering what exactly did she just hear):  
What did you say?  
  
TED:  
I don't take no crap no crap from whitey.  
  
JODIE (thinks of a “Jodie” way to tell him this) :  
Ted, you're white.  
  
TED:  
I may be on the outside.  
  
JODIE:  
I think I have an idea of what happened and You know I was going to tell you to make nice with the Library but I think it's OK to just let this one lie down.  
  
TED:  
But I want to help out.  
  
JODIE:  
Talk about going green just stay away from the library people – PLEASE!  
  
TED:  
I will, and by the way, ROOTS is really good book. I read it before the meeting.  
  
(JODIE leaves TED to go back to work)  
  
JODIE:  
Ted is a bonafide nutcase. That what I get for doing a drive-by project. Ok, I can't do it. Mack won't do. Daria is with Kevin, Ted really be can't doing it. That leaves one person I want doing this.  
  
(Quick Cut to JODIE talking to DIANE)  
  
DIANE:  
Well it sounds like an honor.........What in it for me?  
  
JODIE:  
$500 under the table. I'm desperate for someone to do this.  
  
DIANE:  
If you offered Daria that you wouldn't be in this situation-  
  
JODIE:  
$1,000 under the table for every meeting!  
  
DIANE:  
DEAL!

  
  
**Scene 16 (WHUB Parking Lot)**  
  
(The crew heads out to their projects around Boston)  
  
SANDI:  
Alright whose car are we taking?  
  
STACY:  
Can't take mine. It's a two-seater.  
  
SANDI:  
Wait - let me guess which one is your car?  
  
DANI:  
I’ll bet you lunch that she totally can't get your car in under ...3 guesses.  
  
STACY:  
You are on. Hey D and J you want some of this action?  
  
DARIA:  
What's the over-under?  
  
DANI:  
Three guesses.  
  
DARIA:  
I'm taking the over.  
  
JANE:  
I have faith in Sandi. I'll take the under.  
  
DANI:  
Alright, Ms. Griffin, Your first guess.  
  
SANDI (point to a Blue F-150 pick up):  
That one.  
  
STACY:  
That is Bob's Car. Pick again.  
  
SANDI (point to a BMW beetle):  
That one over there.  
  
JANE:  
That's Mack's Car.  
  
STACY:  
Jane - I have a feeling we are about to lose some money.  
  
SANDI:  
That means the car that I thought was Mack's car isn't Mack's car. I'll guess the Green Lambo.  
  
DANI:  
Ooh close but that's Jodie's. Stacy walk to your baby.  
  
(STACY walks to her car, a Red 1969 Stingray Corvette 427)  
  
SANDI:  
Wow! That is nice.  
  
STACY:  
Even thought it's a 427 - I can do 508 horses in my baby if I wanted to.  
  
SANDI:  
How did you get into cars?  
  
STACY:  
I was a race car driver before WHUB and during my weekends in college, I drove the Waif #37 Corvette. I have always been a Chevy girl. Remember the dating system? I tweaked it for me so that I gave extra points for Chevys in the car category.  
  
SANDI:  
Wow. I don’t know how I didn’t realize that you drove the Waif car. It was my favorite race car to watch.  
  
DARIA:  
I thought it was unfashionable to watch auto racing?  
  
SANDI:  
You can only watch so much Fashion Channel..... before you want to tear the TV out.  
  
STACY:  
I even though I left pro-racing, I still love my Corvettes. Daria's Aunt, Amy said, she want to challenge my Corvette against her Dart with the Hemi. Well, I beat her and if she wants to go again - it's always open.  
  
SANDI:  
I didn't know that-  
  
DARIA:  
Yeah, she still does drag racing as a hobby.  
  
JANE:  
Alright, enough of the car talk - we’ve got projects.  
  
KEVIN:  
Aw right, missions!  
  
JANE:  
Kevin, I need you at your best because Daria will be useless to you today. Amiga - it's nothing against you, but I know you and Red Sox Baseball. The brain will be off.  
  
DARIA:  
I will shock you all! I'll be good at Fenway today just wait and see.  
  
JANE:  
When that happens, I'll be shocked.  
  
KEVIN:  
I have faith in her, plus I have a plan for that.  
  
JANE:  
Alison and I will be at Boston Children's painting the playroom there.  
  
ALISON:  
We'll let the little guys paint it anyway they want it.  
  
JANE:  
As Artists we will not get in the way of creativity.  
  
JANE:  
And the big one, visiting the schools. Do you three have what you are going to say prepared?  
  
STACY:  
I do.  
  
DANI:  
I don't because of my damn brother, Jessie and his friend, Trent.  
  
JANE:  
You know my pain as well. I had to kick them out last night too to get some Z’s  
  
DANI (with heavy sarcasm):  
Thanks for sending them my way.  
  
JANE:  
No problem, Dani.  
  
SANDI:  
I'll wing it. I'm just that good.  
  
STACY:  
It's your funeral, Sandi.  
  
SANDI:  
They're kids. What the worst that can happen?  
  
DANI:  
Are you just asking to get bitchslap by Murphy?  
  
SANDI:  
I like to imagine that I'm the one giving five across the face of Murphy and his laws.  
  
STACY:  
Dani, Famous last words.  
  
DANI:  
Will she be saying all of this after she's done speaking?  
  
JANE:  
We’ve got our orders let's move out!

  


  


  
  
---


	3. ACT 3

 

  
**Scene 18 (WHUB Promo Car)**

(STACY is driving with DANI riding shotgun and SANDI in the backseat)

SANDI:  
Stacy, you seem so confidant about all this.

STACY:  
I know what’s going to happen and I'm ready for it. I know what you are trying to say - if this was back in high school, I would be a nervous wreck.

SANDI:  
Yeah.

STACY:  
Now, picture that person driving a 200 miles an hour race car.

SANDI:  
Yikes.

STACY:  
It doesn't pay to be nervous. If you're nervous in a race car, you're dead already and we haven't even started the race! What I’m saying, Sandi, is it is OK to have a little fear about the challenge ahead of you but that same fear shouldn’t have you shutting down because of it.

SANDI:  
Well – I'm not afraid of it. I'm confident of my talents.

STACY:  
No, you are cocky and setting yourself up for failure. 

SANDI:  
No I'm not.

STACY:  
Yes, you are. Do you even know that the school we are going to is a High/Middle school?

SANDI:  
I did not know that.

STACY:  
My advice is grab a seat belt because I know there are going to be a few screw-up from you. Me on the other hand - I'm prepared for this.

DANI:  
Arrrgghhh! Damn pens! Always not working on you! Work I say damn you – WORK!

STACY:  
When I hit a red light - I'll get you a pen out of my bag. OK, Dani?

DANI:  
OK, Stacy.

STACY:  
Now I'll tell you about Dani's delusions about squirrels taking over the planet.

DANI:  
That is true, Stacy! There is a reason we got to keep squirrels away from guns. When they get the guns they will take over the world and all of our nut supplies. You may laugh now but zombies aren't real. Squirrels are and they are coming for us, Stacy. They're coming for us!

SANDI:  
I know a friend with lots of pills to help you, Dani.

DANI:  
I'm not crazy! I have thought this out for years of how to take down the squirrel rebellion! 

 

**Scene 19 (Kevin's office)**

KEVIN:  
Aw right. Let’s run through what’s going to happen.

DARIA:  
I'll let you introduce us.

KEVIN:  
Cool.

DARIA:  
I'll let you talk for us.

KEVIN:  
Wait?

DARIA:  
Yeah.

KEVIN:  
You are doing the opposite of the last time. You want me do it all!

DARIA:  
No, I'm putting our company in the best situation.

KEVIN:  
Uh Un, You want ME to do this. Me - Kevin Thompson to talk for BOTH of us!

DARIA:  
Exactly.

KEVIN:   
Daria, New plan.

DARIA:  
No new plan! No new plan!

KEVIN:  
I'm calling an audible!

DARIA:  
Why won't you stick to the plan?

KEVIN:  
Because I'm going to use your love of The Red Sox as a positive and not as a negative.

DARIA:  
This one I‘ve got to hear. I can tell that this has the potential of going into your hall of fame of bad ideas.

KEVIN:  
So you’re saying my idea of going out with “The Misery Chick” is in there? 

DARIA:  
Don't you use that reverse psychology on me.

KEVIN:  
Daria, I'm the QB trust me. I have made this less soul crushing then just the meeting and done. First to get a feel for The Red Sox because I'm an idiot - a tour of Fenway Park.

DARIA:  
This is one of your greatest idea ever!

KEVIN:  
Oh it gets better. We will have the meeting with them to find out how they want WHUB to help the Jimmy Fund, and if we have time; which we will, of course batting practice at Fenway with your reward - a personalized jersey.

DARIA:  
You are gaming the system for your benefit.

KEVIN:  
Yours too. Hey, Kevin Thompson don't do stuffy meetings all that well either. I need to have some fun too. You're geeking out and doing a happy dance on the inside aren't you, Daria.

(DARIA can only give a Mona Lisa Smile to the news.)

KEVIN:  
I take that as a yes.

 

**Scene 20 (Alison's Car)**

ALISON:  
So our plan is to do nothing?

JANE:  
Yep.

ALISON:  
What if the kids do some thing crazy?

JANE:  
Not our problem. We are letting the kids have a say on the room. Besides, It's not like you are going to have kids like us in that room. They're younger kids, they can't destroy a room with their little hands.

ALISON:  
What If one of the kids think paint is something to drink?

JANE:  
They are at the right place.

ALISON:  
I have a bad feeling about all of this. I hate when I have bad feeling about something. 

JANE:   
Relax, nothing is going to happen for you are with Jane Lane “Artist Extraordinaire”.

ALISON:  
This will not end well as all.

JANE:  
Too late, We are now in that 'resistance is futile' mode. Just roll with it.

ALISON:  
I don't care - I'm staying and watching the kids with Pat Seven in the room. 

(JANE is asleep)

ALISON:  
Jane? Janey? JANE!

JANE (startled awake):  
I was only getting some Z's before going in. Geezh, I have to get up at 3am. I catch them when I can because coffee can only do so much.

ALISON:  
I only have one more question?

JANE:   
Which is.

ALISON:  
Got Judy on speed dial?

 

**Scene 21 (WHUB Studio)**

JODIE:  
Finally, I Got everything squared away. There is nothing that could go wrong.

(Phone rings)

JODIE:  
Yes, Landon speaking.

DIANE (At the Library):  
I just want you to know that you aren't bribing me enough.

JODIE:  
What happened? Do I need to send Judy?

DIANE:  
No, How about the armed forces?

JODIE:  
It can't be that bad?

DIANE:  
Yes it is and have my money ready!

JODIE:  
Diane, Just tough it out.

DIANE:  
I swear - I'm about to go up and smack all of these snooty people in their mouths.

JODIE:  
I'll have your money ready and some extra, OK.

DIANE:  
Thank you, and now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to the snooty pompous asshat party.

JODIE:  
Sorry and Thanks.

(JODIE hangs up)

JODIE:  
Judith, glad to see you.

JUDITH:  
What’s going on with your projects?

JODIE:  
I got Diane with the Library.

JUDITH:  
YOU DID WHAT?!? Jodie, Jodie, Jodie! WHUB NEVER works with the Library. The Boston Library people are crazy!

JODIE:  
What? But they always call for volunteers.

JUDITH:  
And we always ignore them - kinda like the Jehovah Witnesses on Saturday Morning. Just because they called, doesn't mean we help them.

JODIE:  
But now we are stuck with them?

JUDITH:  
Not really.

JODIE:  
What do you mean?

JUDITH:  
I haven't cause any mayhem around here in a while, and since I have an axe to grind with those book worms - there is no better time than now. Well, I'm off to the library.

JODIE:  
Oh good god what did I start? That's it! Jodie Abigail Landon, you’ve got to learn the word 'NO' and fast! 

 

 

**Scene 22 (At the school)**

SANDI:  
Sooooo - we are here. Why is everything smaller than I thought it was?

STACY:  
We’re adults.

DANI:  
On paper we are. Mentally, that is up for debate. Alright who wants to go first in front of the firing squad – I mean the kids.

SANDI:  
I'll go first. I'll go off the top of my head. All my notes are up there.

DANI:  
Cool.

STACY:  
I have no qualms about that.

SANDI:  
I thought you two would talk me out of it.

STACY:  
Why?

DANI:  
It's sounds like a good idea.

SANDI:  
OK, I'll do it!

(SANDI walks away)

STACY:  
Like the first solders hitting the beach on D-Day. It's not going to end well for her.

DANI:  
Glad it's her rather than me.

 

**Scene 23 (The Hospital)**

(PAT is introducing JANE and ALISON to the KIDS)

PAT:  
Hey kids for today's art class I have brought in some artists from our area. 

KID #1:  
In which he means artists that he told nothing about this class to.

KID #2  
They are soooo screwed.

PAT:  
They are also radio talents for WHUB 98.5 Radio, Jane Lane and Alison Brooks. They want to know what you want to paint today.

KID #2:  
They have no clue at all about what they’ve just stepped into.

JANE:  
We are going to let you paint whatever you want.

ALISON:   
It's a free for all, be creative!

KID #1:  
I guess they don't know what to do so they gave us control.

KID #3:   
Does that mean?

KID #1:  
The plan is in motion.

 

  
**Scene 24 (At Flannahan's Bar, After talking to the kids at school)**

SANDI ( Looking shelled shocked):  
Those little bastards - they just kept coming. They are pure evil with their beady little eyes just looking at you. 

DANI (Equally shell-shocked):  
Sandi, you are so right and I take back my "squirrels are evil" statement. Kids are Evil! Pure unadulterated evil I tell you!

STACY (Just smiling at them):  
I thought those kids were awesome.

SANDI:  
From the one that the kids just ate up every word she said.

STACY :  
I told you to come ready. Dani, you didn't do too bad. Sandi, I don't think freezing up then running out of the gym counts as a speech.

SANDI:  
It looked bad didn't it?

(Flashback to the school)

(Shot of Sandi sitting waiting to be introduced)

PRINCPAL:  
Student we are proud to welcome to our school Ms. Sandi Griffin. Ms Griffin?

(Shot of an empty chair)

PRINCPAL:  
Ms Griffin?

(Back to the bar)

DANI:  
Didn't Channel 5 ever send you out?

SANDI (Solemnly):  
No - just for that reason.

STACY:  
With that speed you should have done Track -

DANI:  
Or be a magician with that disappearing act!

SANDI:  
Well Dani you did a tiny bit better.

STACY:  
It was good for watching at least.

(Back to the school)

PRINCPAL:  
Well I’ve never seen that happen before! We have up next one half of Boston's favorite Afternoon show, Ms. Dani Moreno.

DANI:  
Well kids, what advice do I have for you?

(The bar)

STACY:  
I knew it was going to hell from there!

DANI:  
I was only giving the kids what they wanted to hear!

SANDI:  
You know - this whole thing was to keep Stacy from doing something stupid but Dani -

STACY:  
AND YOU!

SANDI:  
And me did a good job making utter fools out of ourselves.

STACY:  
Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Dani, I think some of the things you told the kids came across as crazy.

SANDI:  
Especially, the squirrels being evil part.

DANI:  
OK, it came off crazy but it was well-meaning.

STACY:  
No, It just came off as crazy.

DANI:  
At least it wasn't an epic fail.

SANDI:  
It was and getting pulled of the stage was just the cherry on top of that.

DANI:  
At least I got on stage....

STACY:  
You forgot who you were trying to keep from making the station look bad?

SANDI:  
Oh! You!

DANI:  
That's right, her.

STACY:  
Ever heard of the Keystone Cops? I see two new recruits in front of me. 

DANI:  
Hey!

STACY:  
Now if I had an evil mind - I would really screwed with you but the kids and that speech was what was on my mind luckily.

(The school)

PRINCIPAL:  
Well I'm sorry you have to see that students. 

STACY:  
And we apologize for Dani's comments. They are not representative of WHUB radio as company or as a station.

PRINCIPAL: (off mic):  
Sound like you do this a lot?

STACY:  
I do.

PRINCIPAL:  
We are proud to welcome as our last speaker. Thank you oh great and merciful God! Stacy Rowe!

(golf claps)

STACY:  
Thank you. I was asked to talk about education and how it is important to you. Listen, I get you don't want to listen to some pompous ass talk about nothing you are going to remember at all. I hate it too. I was in your spot once, Not here of course but in Lawndale MD. That's my hometown. The lady that pulled that disappearing act earlier is Sandi Griffin. I went to school with her, starting in middle school. I was in a club with her called the Fashion Club.

Piece of advice number one, Never join a club that you are never comfortable with. This is actually good advice for later in life as well. Sometimes your gut feeling is your brain taking a very educated guess and telling you that it's not a good idea.

I was awkward as heck in high school and wasn't very sure about myself until my senior year of high school. It took me slapping said friend with a notebook - actually it was a trapper keeper and it was one of those heavy-duty ones. I was the secretary of the club and took notes - a lot of them. My lesson here for life number two is Stand up for yourself and what you believe in. One of my Co-workers actually said that at her graduation speech. I admire her strength to get through the craziness of high school. All that school is just a stop along life and just a beginning. 

Her speech is also where my third one comes from: A lie and the truth are not sorta of the same thing. They will NEVER be the same thing. It's impossible. They can't co-habitat with each other, They hate each other guts! Hell, their hate sex is horrible.

(kids laughing at that one)

STACY:  
What I'm saying in short is be truthful to yourself first and foremost. If you can't be true to yourself - how in the heck are you going to be truthful to others?

If there is one thing I could also add to this, Enjoy where you are in life. From my experience this has help me a lot. It was easy for me to say screw it all. Screw school, screw life and screw all the people I even deal with in life. High school sucked in my opinion, and for me life started after I got out into the world and into college. I thought I wanted to go to Pepperhill. It didn't fit me at that time so I ended up in Philly where I met my first real friend, Dani Moreno, The crazy women that was talking about the squirrel rebellion. I’ve got to admit - I got her started on that on the way here.

(At the bar)

DANI:  
I KNEW IT! You did mind screw me!

STACY:  
It was there like a glazed donut.

SANDI:  
You eat fried fat?

STACY:  
Damn straight and it's so delicious too! 

SANDI:  
I personally prefer a Big Mac.

(Back to the speech) 

STACY:  
One more piece of good advice: have one good friend in life. My hero did that, I think by a chance encounter and by the way, they are ruling Boston radio in the morning.

(The Bar)

DANI:  
Daria Morgendorffer is your role model!

SANDI:  
Thank god you didn't get her high school fashion sense.

STACY:  
She always seemed like a person that no matter what happened, she was an honest person to turn to.

SANDI:   
She would be shocked to hear that she was someone's idol because I know that is not her style.

STACY:  
Shocking - but she is someone to look up to.

Finally, I do have advice on pranks. One, Don't prank your school - as they are now getting very anal retentive about it. Two ,prank your friends they agree to be near you, but know their limits. There is always a 'no go' spot. And lastly have fun in life. It's life yeah it will suck but it is only what you make of it.

Thanks for your time.

(Standing ovation for STACY)

(At the bar)

STACY:  
I’ve got to say that was the proudest moment of my life thus far.

DANI:  
And you saved the day just like you said you would.

STACY:  
When I was saying that - I was thinking about something.

SANDI:  
What was that, Stacy?

(STACY looks at them as the scene ends)

 

 

**Scene 25 (The Hospital)**

ALISON:  
What the heck is that supposed to be?

PAT:  
I really don't know.

JANE:  
It looks like Jackson Pollack had a raging bender.

PAT:  
I think they are still working on it.

JANE:  
Hey, what do you want for lunch?

PAT:  
We have some great food in the cafeteria......... No......We don't. That's a bold face lie. Hospital food is never good!

ALISON:  
Don't you have power over the food around here?

PAT:  
I do, but the doctors run the joint. 

JANE:  
I saw them ordering some take-out earlier .

PAT:  
How do you feel about Pizza?

JANE:  
That's sound good!

ALISON:  
I'm on board with that!

(JANE phone rings)

JANE:  
Who could that be?

(Looks at phone to see Trent’s number)

JANE:  
This will be awhile. You two got this?

ALISON:  
Of course!

PAT:  
You got the head of the hospital with you. What could possibly go wrong?

JANE (Holding her comment of PAT's last words)  
OK and I'll order the pizza for us and the little workers.

(JANE leaves to take the call)

ALISON:  
It not like the kids are going to attack us with paint.

PAT (sarcastic) :  
That would be crazy to put that idea in their heads.

(Thinking for a second)

ALISON:  
Screw it!

BOTH:  
PAINT WAR!

 

 

**Scene 26 (Fenway Park, After the meeting)**

KEVIN:  
Daria, you handled yourself pretty well.

DARIA:  
I did, didn't I?

KEVIN:  
Should we tell them?

DARIA:  
No, they should NEVER know! We did the meeting and it was a no-incident success!

KEVIN:  
What about the you know?

DARIA:  
You know I don't want to talk about what WE did there.

KEVIN:  
You mean around and inside there?

DARIA:  
Yes, that too.

KEVIN:  
Have you ever did that before?

DARIA:  
I haven't..........OK....Once but no details until later and you were better.

KEVIN:  
Aw right! Daria, How are going to explain stealing David Ortiz's Bat?

DARIA:  
You know that Johnny Damon bat from 2003? Guess who was the rumored intern at the sports station and stole it?

KEVIN:  
Daria. Never mind. Let's go.

DARIA:  
Cool.

 

 


	4. Epilouge

**Scene 27 (WHUB Breakroom)**  
  
JODIE:  
Alright - I would consider this a success. I was right in saying we should be out in the community.  
  
STACY:  
What about what happened at the library?  
  
JODIE:  
IT NEVER HAPPENED!   
  
STACY:  
But what about the ambulances? Judy & Diane running like hell out of there?  
  
JODIE  
IT NEVER HAPPENED! That's the official line.  
  
STACY:  
OK, I got it.  
  
ALISON:  
I'm still cleaning out paint in places.  
  
JANE:  
The kids were actually pretty cool. It didn't suck.  
  
JODIE:  
Knowing you that is a HIGH compliment. So Daria how was you and the Red Sox?  
  
DARIA:  
It was a success.  
  
JODIE:  
Anything else?  
  
DARIA:  
Nope.  
  
JODIE:  
OK, Stacy I saw your speech and you did awesome.  
  
STACY:  
Thank you.  
  
JODIE:  
Now to Sandi “Houdini” Griffin and Dani “Kill all squirrels” Moreno. It looked like Stacy had her hands full with you two.  
  
SANDI:  
It just all looks that way.   
  
JODIE:  
I've seen the video. Sandi - the Kenyan National Track team called they want you and they need you to run the 100.  
  
UPCHUCK:  
The last time I saw a white woman run that fast - Casey Anthony was running out of Orlando.   
  
JANE:  
Upchuck that was so wrong.  
  
UPCHUCK:  
But so true.  
  
SANDI:  
Hardy har har. You are going to have fun with that tape?  
  
UPCHUCK:  
Already up on the site. Type in 'Where's Sandi?'  
  
SANDI:  
You are just going to rub this in.  
  
DANI:  
Yes we are. Now, you have a weird quirk - welcome to the team, Houdini!  
  
JODIE:  
Now - I have thought about this and we aren't doing any more forced volunteer work. If you want to do it on your own cool, but as a station - Screw it!  
  
DARIA:  
Now If you did this earlier we would all be happier.  
  
JODIE:  
I'll just call this meeting a wrap and say we are done here.  
  
(Everyone is leaving)  
  
STACY:  
Daria, I need some advice about something.  
  
DARIA:  
Well, I got nowhere to go.  
  
STACY:  
The price of giving good advice to people.  
  
DARIA:  
OK, fire away.  
  
STACY:  
It's about Ted. I'm starting to see we have nothing really in common with each other. I really want to salvage it, but it might be time to let this one go.  
  
DARIA:  
Why do want to save it?  
  
STACY:   
Ted is a good and awesome guy, but he is really quirky. I may have wanted that in the past - but his quirks are driving me up the freaking wall. He is just too weird for me.  
  
DARIA:  
OK, this is what I got. You aren't happy with Ted and you want to end it. I’ve got a question - you went out with him before why do it again?  
  
STACY:  
I could have ask you that same question.  
  
DARIA:  
Ahh, Trent and Tom. The reason I did it was to see if there was still something there. It is only human to do that. Of course, Tom and I ended ugly, but me and Trent are still on good terms to this day. The better question is there something there with you and Ted. If the answer is no - then you just answered your question.  
  
STACY:  
I didn't think that you, Dani, and Sandi would agree with that idea - but you all do. Now how do I break the news to him?  
  
DARIA:  
I know a place that might work. I've used on a many a break-up.

 

  
  
**Scene 28 (A pizza place)**  
  
(The scene is reminiscent of when Daria and Tom broke up the first time around. Stacy is sitting on one side with Ted on another.)  
  
TED:  
This is strange for you for to call me after work.  
  
STACY:  
I know.  
  
TED:  
What's on your mind?  
  
STACY:  
Ted, are we right for each other?  
  
TED (Silence for a moment)  
Oh heck no. We are horrible for each other.  
  
STACY:  
What?  
  
TED:  
We suck as a couple.  
  
STACY:  
I'm glad we are on even ground. Why did we ever get back together in the first place?  
  
TED:  
You and I were on the same page, but it was the wrong page. You and I wanted ‘High School us.’  
  
STACY:  
Actually I didn't want “high school” us. “High school” us were lame! Unfortunately, Current you sucks as well. Ted! How did you become such a puss and don't blame your parents!  
  
TED:  
Excuse me! You were the one that never like my parents.  
  
STACY:  
Because your parents are Commies.  
  
TED:  
Are you calling my parents Communist?  
  
STACY:  
If the shoe fits.  
  
TED:  
You are a nutcase.  
  
STACY:  
You got anything else - because I'm about to talk about your fashion sense.  
  
TED:  
I thought you didn't give a damn about fashion.  
  
STACY:  
There is no such thing as a metro-sexual. You dress like a gay dude, which causes us to question you.  
  
TED:  
I dress like a professional! Now why do we have to tear each other down if we aren't agreeing?  
  
STACY:  
It feels kind of good especially if you want hate sex.  
  
TED  
Hate sex?  
  
STACY:  
Don't knock it till you try it, but you are right it’s not really doing anything.   
  
TED:  
I guess this is the end.  
  
STACY:  
It is. Pizza?  
  
TED:  
Hate sex sounds good if this is the last time.  
  
STACY:  
Oh, it will totally be the last time.  
  
TED:  
Check please!

  
  
**Scene 29 (Jane's Apartment)**  
  
JANE:  
So Trent when are you going back to Lawndale?  
  
TRENT:  
Janey?  
  
JANE:  
Yeah, Trent.  
  
TRENT:  
We aren't going back to Lawndale.   
  
JANE:  
The Other Lanes have laid claimed to Casa de Lane?  
  
TRENT:  
No, but that still give me the creeps. I got a job.  
  
JANE:  
Wanting to be all big and responsible like your little sis?  
  
TRENT:  
Yeah -  
  
(laughs then coughs)  
  
No, you know the job we did with Z98 in Baltimore.   
  
JANE:  
Yeah they flipped to alternative rock a few years ago and you ended up with Jessie working there.  
  
TRENT:  
We got a job with 103.1. They want us to turn it to an Alternative Rock station. The boss there told us to keep it secret.  
  
JANE:  
Wait? We own 103.1 - That's Star 103.1. Jodie is about to blow it up to make it Alt Rock station?  
  
TRENT:  
They moving Star to 95.3.  
  
JANE:  
JODIE'S SECRET PROJECT! She was making a new station!  
  
TRENT:  
Janey, do you know any apartments in Boston?

 

 


End file.
